Wolverine and The Yellow Submarine
by Wanda W
Summary: What happens when Logan is stuck watching over the kids on New Year's and they try to help Bobby maintain a family tradition? Read this one-shot to find out, but if you aren't familiar with the Yellow Submarine movie this will not make a lot of sense.


Opening Sequence

**A.N.** This is somewhat A.U., but I suppose would best fit somewhere towards the tail-end of X-1 or in X-2 before the attack at some point. Use your imagination. If you've never seen The Yellow Submarine movie this won't make a lot of sense, but if you have or even better are able to get a copy to watch while reading this, you'll laugh I promise you.

Jean paused the playback and reached out to Ororo's mind. _Storm, you've got to come to the security room. Hurry!_

"Please excuse me, Scott. But we'll have to continue this later. It seems Jean has urgent need of me in the security and surveillance room." Concerned for his fiancee's safety, he rushed to the door, Storm right behind him. Hand already raised to his glasses, ready to fire off lasers as soon as he spied his target, he found instead of a battle situation, his favorite redhead with humor gleaming in her eyes.

"Oh good, you came, too, Scott. You two just had to know about this." She waved them over to the extra chairs, hit play on the auditory playback and sat back looking smug and amused.

Suddenly voices were heard in the quiet room.

"So Bobby, what's this awesome tradition your family has that you wanted to force, I mean share with us?" Jubilee's voice was easily recognizable.

"Is this from last night?" Scott wanted to know only to be shushed by the two women.

"Yeah, it's gonna be great. We watch this every year at home." They heard some idle chatter as Bobby inserted the DVD and then shuffling as everyone chose places to sit.

"Logan, I saved you a seat," came Rogue's voice.

"Thanks, kid," he grunted. "I can't believe I got stuck babysitting again." There was a smack and then he protested, "What was that for, darlin'?"

Jean rolled her eyes. They all knew there was only one person who get away with treating the mighty, fearsome Wolverine that way. "First of all, I'm not a baby. Secondly, did you really want to go to that conference or the ball instead? Yeah, I didn't think so. And third, do you really not want to be here with me?" her voice had gotten tiny and pitiful at the end.

Storm smiled, sharing a look with her close friend. "She's really good, isn't she?"

"Oh, yes," Jean agreed as they listened to Logan immediately placate her supposedly hurt feelings.

"Good," came her happily content voice again. Scott just shook his head.

"Okay, it's ready. Now be quiet you guys," ordered Bobby.

"Whatever," Peter grunted.

Unexpectedly, Jean leaned forward and hit play on another machine as well as mute. The movie, "The Yellow Submarine" came up on the big monitor and they all sat back listening to the commentary from last night's security recordings as the garishly bright pictures flashed across the screen.

Opening Sequence

Flower power to the max! _–Kitty-_

Crappy animation, man. _–John-_

What's with the gay sea captain picking flowers? _-Theresa-_

Is that a blueberry cross-dresser in rainbow man-panties? _–Jubilee-_

Did that finger just look out of the water? _–Artie-_

I think there are Mickey Mouse ears on those meanies. _–Kitty-_

Glove shoot a bird? _–John-_

What's that white thing on captains head supposed to be? _–Rogue-_

Why did they make that Cerberus blue? _–Peter-_

A perfectly good song may be ruined forever now._ –Theresa-_

I never understood it anyway; maybe this will help. _–Jubilee-_

I doubt it._ –Peter-_

I don't even get the credits! _–Artie-_

Is that a boot head? _–John-_

Rounding Up the Band

Wow… great effects. NOT!_ –Jubilee-_

Oo… I love this song! _–Rogue-_

What in the heck is even happening? _–Kitty-_

Hey, does anyone have any alcohol? I think it might help. _–Logan-_

What's with the cats being petted? _–Kitty-_

Come here Kitty, and I'll be happy to pet you. _–John-_

Does that man have butterfly wings? _–Artie-_

Ringo! _–Kitty-_

Dude, if you're lonely on Saturday night then maybe it's because of that tie! _–Peter-_

That man will be seeking a pussy for the rest of his life without success. _–John-_

Huh? _–Artie-_

Way to go, John. smack _-Bobby-_

You should have hit him harder. _–Logan-_

Can anyone understand the guy with the weird growth on his head? _–Rogue-_

This may be the weirdest, stupidest thing I've ever seen. _–Logan-_

Why is Frankenstein pigeon toed? _–Artie-_

I think that's John Lennon. _–Peter-_

Yeah, he's got glasses. _–Jubilee-_

George is so cool! _–Kitty-_

I think drugs are what's in their minds. _–John-_

Oh, make it stop! It's giving me a headache! _–Theresa-_

I think I'm getting motion sickness. _–Rogue-_

By this time, Jean Scott, and Ororo were laughing so hard they could barely breathe. Hearing the random comments was funny enough, but watching the weird movie while listening was better than Mystery Science Theater any day. Ororo couldn't remember when she'd ever laughed this hard before.

The professor was picking up some strange thoughts and decided it bore deeper scrutiny. He set his chair in motion, meeting Dr. Hank McCoy and Kurt Wagner along the way. They joined him as he pursued the source of what he was still hearing in his mind at odd intervals.

Back in the security office, the trio shamelessly continued to derive the utmost enjoyment from listening to Logan, and several students, being tortured from the sound of it by Bobby Drake's family tradition. In the movie, the Beatles and their captain had now begun their strange journey in earnest.

Sea of Time

Is that guy actually singing the alphabet at us? _–Jubilee-_

I don't think they're "all together", frankly. _–Rogue-_

Those fish fins could give a guy seizures. _–Logan-_

Did he just say he wanted to take his friend to bed? _–Peter-_

That's a little pervy, isn't it? _–Kitty-_

I guess it depends on the friend. _–John-_

Oh thank God… I think it's over now. _–Logan-_

I think they're going backwards in time. _–Artie-_

That dork just sucked his thumb! _–Theresa-_

I used to like this song before this movie. I think I hate it now. _–Kitty-_

They lost me when they tip-toed past just then. _–Peter-_

I think you guys are making me watch a bunch of gay druggies. What would the professor say? _–Logan-_

He'd tell you not judge people on their lifestyle choices. _–Jubilee-_

_There was a muffled sound that they were fairly certain involved some comeback from Logan which Marie stifled with a hand over his mouth._

Shoot me now… I think they're counting out a minute. _–Rogue-_

I feel like I'm watching Schoolhouse Rock only less cool._ –Artie-_

Hey! I remember Schoolhouse Rock! _–Kitty-_

Sea of Science

What does this have to do with science? _–Theresa-_

Dude, you've watched this every New Years? _–John-_

Yeah. _–Bobby-_

That explains a lot of things._ –Peter-_

Couldn't we just fast forward a little bit? That weird horn sound is giving me a headache. _–Kitty-_

This whole friggin' thing is giving me a headache. _–Logan-_

Look! I think they're trying to escape! _–Artie-_

No, I think they're trying to imitate an atom. _–Rogue-_

Now that's just bad science. A square atom? _–Jubilee-_

Jean, Scott, and Ororo had just decided they were impressed that Jubilee remembered enough from class to catch that fact when the door opened, spilling light into the darkened room and silhouetting the three men there. Jean paused both machines while explaining what was going on to the bewildered Professor. With a small smile and a chuckle, he asked to join them. All three men arranged themselves around the original viewers before they proceeded with their afternoon entertainment.

Sea of Monsters

What's that dinosaur doing there? _–Artie-_

He's not the only thing that looks wrong, idiots. _–John-_

Aw! They made it cry!_ –Kitty-_

Are you actually felling sorry for that thing?_ –Jubilee-_

I think that thing just belched an ice cream cone. _–Theresa-_

Dude, that thing sucks! _–Bobby-_

Hahaha… good one, dude! _–Artie-_

Man these puns are bad. _–Peter-_

Figures it would be the jerk in the bad tie that would screw up. _–John-_

Did he just say a pair of kinky boot beasts?_ –Logan-_

Told you they were perverts. _–Kitty--_

You'd think they'd give it a different kind of smoke entirely, wouldn't you? _–Jubilee-_

Hey! That was like Toad! _–Rogue-_

That Indian is SO politically incorrect. _–Kitty-_

I know he did not just say it was an 'arrowing' experience. _–John-_

At this point, all six of those gathered in secrecy were wiping moisture from their eyes at the hilarity of everyone's reactions and they way it matched up with the footage. Most had at some point seen the original film, with the exception of Kurt who was as bewildered as those in the recorded conversation, but never had it been this funny before.

Nowhere Man

Is it over then? _–Rogue, sounding hopeful-_

Crap… I guess not. _–John-_

What in the … what's that thing? _–Logan, who'd changed his wording after a slapping sound had been heard, which must have been Rogue-_

What's that pink puffy thing on its butt? _–Kitty-_

I actually like the footnotes joke. _–Jubilee-_

Oh my gosh is that where this song came from? _–Theresa-_

This sucks. _–John-_

I'd claw out my eyes if I didn't know I'd just heal. _–Logan-_

I think those guys were just playing patty cake with each other._ –Peter-_

Dude, you know how to play patty cake? _–Artie-_

Do NOT bring that thing with you! _–Jubilee-_

Oh my gosh he's doing it… _-Theresa-_

So we're going to see more of the pink poof butted guy? _–Kitty-_

Foothills of the Headlands

See pink poof butt got them stranded. I knew he was bad news. _–Jubilee-_

Now this song always did seem strange. _–Theresa-_

Were those pole dancers? _–John-_

NO!! _-Everyone else yelling at John-_

I think they just showed that woman's green…_ -Artie-_

Let it go, dude. _–Bobby-_

All right; one more dirty picture and I'm shutting this freak show down. _–Logan-_

Only John Lennon could seem so completely at-home in a place like that. _–Rogue-_

What are kaleidoscope eyes anyway? _–Peter-_

Sea of Holes

I am so confused. _–Kitty-_

My eyes hurt again. _–Logan-_

Dude, they're avoiding you. _–Peter-_

I'm assuming we want the sea of green. _–Jubilee-_

Weren't you listening to the song at the beginning? Of course we want the sea of green. _–Bobby, sounding disgusted.-_

Was that Mickey Mouse Meanie?! _–Theresa-_

Are you actually getting into this? _–John-_

So no one notice the one colored hole before then? _–Peter-_

Jean paused the machines once more and at Ororo's inquisitive glance, let her know, "The Professor asked me to."

"I thought some popcorn would be a good idea," the Professor announced.

"I vill take care of zat," Kurt assured and with a sulfuric burst of smoke he was gone. Back in only a few minutes with three bags of microwave popcorn in his arms, Kurt handed them around. "Zis is very interesting. I've not zeen many American movies yet," he admitted with his bright eyes avidly glowing with interest as they glanced towards the image frozen on the screen.

"Well, my friend, this film is actually British-made," Hank informed him, secretly relieved that the U.S. could claim no part in its creation. He'd always found it peculiar, but hearing the running and somewhat random comments from those who'd viewed it under duress last evening had made it even more outlandish in his mind. He was enjoying their little private show, however, he admitted to himself with a chuckle.

"Go ahead and start it back up, honey," Scott requested. "I'm enjoying Logan's misery." Jean only shared a wry smirk with him before doing as he'd requested. The two men might respect one another on certain levels, but they were still very much the warring Alpha males of the mansion.

Her attention was distracted by the band's arrival back in Pepperland.

Pepperland

Morons. _–John-_

The green apple is a cool reference._ –Rogue-_

To what? _–John-_

Dude, when they switched labels, the new company had a green apple on one side and a red apple on the flipside of every record. _–Peter-_

I can't believe you know that. _–John-_

I can't believe you don't. _–Rogue-_

There's no way anyone's going to be blessing that guys metronome._ –Jubilee-_

How did a rainbow just grow out of their hats? _–Artie-_

That thing is such a freak. _–Theresa-_

Rocky Horror Picture Show makes more sense than this. _–Kitty-_

Oh dear Lord what is that thing with the 7 on it?! _–Rogue-_

I'm scared! _–Kitty, only half-joking-_

I guess it's not Cerberus since it has four heads instead of three._ –Bobby-_

I'd be mean, too, if I looked like that. _–Artie-_

At this point in the film, a sort of stunned silence seemed to have fallen on last night's traumatized audience. There was no sound, not even that of shifting bodies, for quite a while as the film moved through its paces. Those gathered in the now seemingly smaller room, were finding their own eyes glazing over as they tried to keep up with the movie. All except for Kurt, that is, who found the whole thing colorfully fascinating.

As the battle unfolded further onscreen, the commentary that had died out started again in earnest, much to the relief of those in the security room.

Seriously, I'm going to shoot someone soon if it doesn't end. _–Logan-_

This song is cool. _–Bobby-_

Nasty tie!! _–Jubilee-_

Those guys have no rhythm. _–Kitty-_

They are on a guy's head. _Theresa-_

This is so bizarre and is totally ruining the Beatles for me._ –Peter-_

I think it might be ending! _–Rogue-_

Yay. _–John-_

That Meanie king is not right. _–Jubilee-_

So… it's not over? _–Rogue-_

That's it. I'm shutting this show of-… _-Logan-_

Wait! It's puffy pink butt! He's been captured. _–Kitty-_

Now, everyone likes this song… I mean, you have to!_ –Bobby-_

I did. Until now. _–Jubilee-_

Seriously Bobby, what kind of drugs did your parents do that they watched this with you and your brother every year? It's not right. _–John-_

Love nothing… all they need is an adamantium lobotomy. _–Logan-_

It really is almost done now. Just a little bit more, guys. _–Bobby-_

I'm confused again… so they're all talking to themselves? _–Kitty-_

Bobby… you said it was almost over! _–Peter-_

HUH? I so don't get this at all any more. _–Artie-_

What's in his sweaty hands? _–Theresa-_

Do you really want to know that? _–Jubilee-_

Bobby, even I don't know how much more I can take of this._ –Rogue-_

Are you nodding your head to the music, dude? _–John-_

Huh? Uh… no. _–Bobby-_

Yes you were. _–Peter-_

I really need a drink. _–Logan-_

Hey, that guy sounds a little like Scott, doesn't he? _–Artie, as the Meanie King yells at his people that they are advancing in the wrong direction and orders them to retreat in reverse_

lots of laughter, even from Logan

Like he didn't look more than a little feminine to start with. _–Peter, as a flower grows out of the Meanie Kings nose-_

Someone needs to pluck that flower out of his nose right now. _–Jubilee-_

Silence reigned for a few minutes again until the movie's presumed final number began to play.

This is the end whether it's the end or not, man._ –Peter-_

Actually, this song doesn't sound too bad. _–Logan-_

Just don't look at the screen and it will all be okay. _–Rogue-_

Oh my gosh… it just doesn't end does it? _–Jubilee, as the live band members rather than their animated counterparts began singing one of the songs from the movie-_

Give me a break, we're counting again? _–Artie-_

I'm gonna kill you, Ice Pick. _–Logan-_

I'll help. _–John-_

I'm in! _–Peter-_

Guys, quit kidding around… AAAH!_ –Bobby-_

Still laughing, Jean reached to shut it all down. "Well," commented Scott, "that would explain the scorch marks on the walls of the rec room."

Ororo nodded while adding, "As well as the dents in hallway. That was obviously some of Peter's handiwork."

Hank agreed. One finger resting on his chin he inserted, "I'd also say we have a viable explanation for the new claw marks in the kitchen and along the stairs."

Charles concurred before pointing out, "The only mystery that remains is the shattered vase and the wet Persian rug." All remained thoughtful until they were interrupted by Artie's voice.

They turned as one to see him and Theresa standing in the doorway. "That would be from Rogue. She decided the guys had the right idea, but got a little worried when Mr. Logan almost caught Bobby so she touched him just enough to make him pass out. He collapsed against that table in the foyer, knocking over the vase."

Theresa contributed, "The rest of us girls tried to clean it up as best we could, but the rug wouldn't dry completely."

Charles kept his grin tamped down to a smirk and thanked them for clarifying matters. Only after the pair had taken the elevator did the adults allow their laughter to escape. " I wouldn't even know where to start with punishments."

Jean waved a graceful hand at the video case, "Don't you think they were punished enough?"

"Indeed, Jean, I feel you may be right."

"So, we are agreed that Logan should chaperone the Valentine's dance?"

"Oh, indubitably," Hank vigorously concurred.


End file.
